Wow, it's quite a pickle you've gotten yourself into, isn't it? Feeling like the world in your mind is completely upside down, huh?
That's an understatement. I'm glad I had that mania spell, it was one of the best times I've had, and it set me free from Arcturus, but you know the whole saying about "replacing it with something worse"...
Except in this case, the enemy is your own mind. Why don't we talk for a little while? Just forget about everything else and have a friendly talk with Marina like good times.
Okay. But the anxiety is becoming all-pervasive.
Take a deep breath. If you need to cry, then cry.
My heart is beating weird. And I feel like crying out of despair.
I wish I were in a body so I could give you a hug! Okay, let's start at the beginning. How do you think all this happened?
I feel scared, and also stupid because it's such a ridiculous thing to be afraid of.
As opposed to, say, doors with antique handles? Humans are crazy creatures, you gotta accept that sooner or later.
Okay, well, it was awesome at first. But now I can barely remember it. It's like it's been buried. Actually, I'm not sure the two things are connected at all. The first part is locked inside my hypomanic state. It was afterwards that things got ugly. Heady crushes don't translate well into the state when you actually care about things. And now I can't watch the movie without thinking about the guy... Sybok. You know. The antivillain dude.
Ahhh... him. The Vulcan with emotions. I can see why he appealed to you.
He did! I went nuts over him. But then something strange happened. I began to feel weird... guilty... about the fact that I was basically mooning over the actor's face, and I felt like I was disrespecting him. Of course, that didn't stop me. And still the discomfort remained. It transformed into an irrational panic whenever I thought about the whole deal.
During my insane little Vulcan-based trip through the Star Trek verse, we had that pain-resolution project going, remember? I can hardly recall that through my anxiety now, too. Gah. Well, the father issues were a huge one, and I thought we resolved that too. Until now, when it came back in full force.
Can long-ago things manifest itself many many years later?
We had that little talk already, but I don't see why it wouldn't...
Okay, well, I don't know when or how it started, but I began to want Sybok as my father. Or maybe it came out of "him" helping me resolve that particular issue. At the same time as being in love with him. It always ends like this. I expected that, but I also didn't expect that I would become insane at the fact that Sybok's actor has a daughter my age. He has four sons, but I felt nothing much at that. It's only when I saw... yeah.
But of course we know why that glitch is there.
And it's one that can't be resolved, because the conditions are too steep! I set to work on creating a re-interpretation of Sybok's appearance, and I succeeded, just in the nick of time. He looks great. And you'd think that would be the end of it, right? Sybok looks different, time for the fun to begin, free of guilt? But it wasn't to be. I felt a mild celebrity crush coming on. The guy's smile entranced me THAT much.
I'm a softie for smiles myself.
Well, I eventually lost interest in him. Miraculously. So, different Sybok, no interest in actor, time to go to town, right? Noooo. My mind has other things in mind, it seems. And it won't let it go. Whatever "it" even is!
Have you considered just letting go of this obsession altogether? You don't need to be in love with a renegade Vulcan book character in order to have a well-rounded day to day life.
I can't, Marina. I have never been able to stop obsessions on my own. I have to ride them out. Another one won't replace it until that happens. Until then, my need to engage in it will be so great that I'll feel empty otherwise.
That's really not true. If you think about it, you have no feelings for Sybok whatsoever at all. You're clinging to him by habit. It's a coping mechanism for what your true current obsession is.
It's a weird one, then. I don't want to go near anything having to do with the actor, and feel terrible anxiety whenever I try. I'm even scared to watch the Star Trek V commentary version because I'm scared Shatner is going to mention him. I'm afraid of his fecking NAME! What the hell kind of obsession is this?
One gone terribly wrong. It was never supposed to end up like this.
I hope you're right, because maybe then there's still hope. Oh Marina, this is like trying to untie a complext knot! Where is the panic coming from? Why did looking at a picture of the actor's daughter destroy my entire day? It's because I think too much, isn't it? Too much time on my hands.
One of your traits is constant thinking, which you wouldn't be able to avoid no matter what you did during the day. I remind you that your mental life was taken up completely by obsessions in the past and you never curled up in a quivering heap like you're nearly doing now.
You see, it's the movie that's at the heart of all this. If LL didn't get the part, Sybok wouldn't look like him. And this whole daddy issues thing? I keep wondering what it must be like having a father who played in a movie like that in the past. I think that's a part of my... envy, if that's the right word for it. Anxiety, mixed with sadness about the fact that I'll never be able to enjoy the movie on its own ever again. Rest in peace, Time of Great Insanity.
You got along well enough before you ever saw it. Even now, you wouldn't go back to that NovaMov page with a single thought. Are you feeling this way JUST because you bought the DVD set?
Yes, yes... and now I feel obligated to like it, enjoy all of it, and I'm scared to do so, and on top of all that, I'm envious about what it must be like to... to...
To be tied intimately to such a cool project, even by accident of birth?
Yeah, and now whenever I see the movie, whenever that will ever be, I'll have TWO things going on in my mind.
Just ignore it. You can do that. The movie was one big thing, tons of people worked on it-- for the whole thing to be destroyed thanks to the presence of a little kid Somewhere Out There at the time would almost be insulting.
And Sybok? Shall I keep remembering that he wasn't cast with their first choice?
There were a few contenders. And all of them would have done nicely. Who knows, in another universe, you might be sitting here angsting about Sean Connery.
There's just no way to win, is there? This is what goes through my mind when I see Sybok on screen: the guy wearing those sexy pointed ears has a young daughter, damn it all, and don't I fucking wish I had the kind of close loving relationship that I keep imagining that they have.
Now what happens? Do I just simply be aware of it?
That helps. But at the same time, don't worry so much about not enjoying the movie like you used to. It has seen many fine viewings. With more than a few Print Screen raids...
I hardly know what to think anymore...
Do you think this infatuation is perhaps already over? You'd still be enjoying it otherwise.
Yes, it's over. It's officially dead. My obsession now consists only of a wrestling match with my own thoughts, my own issues.
Join humanity, my beautiful young friend.